Father’s Day reflection

A day we are accustomed to celebrate fathers. For me it is a day to reflect on fatherhood. I reflect on my father and what his motivations, desires, and thoughts were as he raised us. I reflect on those who played the part of a father at one time or another in my life such as my mother, aunts, grandfather, and brother. My mother and aunts taught me about love and spirituality. My grandfather taught me how to fish, crab and tinker with seemingly useless things. My brother was a role model of what a man should be.

On this day, we fathers sometimes just enjoy the glory of our praises and enjoy somewhat of a birthday again on the day we became a father. As for me, I chose to reflect on my job, my duties, past, present and future as a father. I’m tempted to say many things on this day.

I am tempted to say that I am, have been, and will always be remembered as a great father. 

I’m tempted to say that I have always been selfless in my pursuits as a father.

I am tempted to say that I did my best, am doing my best, and will do my best as a father. 

I’m tempted to compare myself to other fathers so I can climb higher in my stature as a father.

I’m tempted to sugarcoat any personal short-comings as a father.

But… today I chose not to give in to temptations.

Today, I reflect on how I’ve been a father. I did my best with my limited wisdom at the time. Now, as nice as that sounds, it seems to be a clause to justify some short-comings. As much as I’d like to say that I did my best, I didn’t. I could have done more. Is it because I didn’t have the knowhow or the wisdom? No, it was because I just didn’t do enough. Sometimes I chose my leisure time, friendships, my romantic life, “my time”, and many other things over doing more as a father. I’m not beating myself over it. I am enough, but I can always do more. This realization is important for my own growth as an adult, a man, a father, and overall a human being. I am enough, which means I love myself without a clause. I can always do more, makes me aware that my best is a lot more than what I am doing.

Fatherhood is a gift not everyone receives. We are incredibly lucky to be able to experience fatherhood. Dr. Ali Binazir estimates the probability of being born as 1 in 10 to the power of 2,685,000. That’s a 10, followed by 2,685,000 zeroes. So many of us take fatherhood for granted. Today at church the pastor said that “comparison is the thief of joy”, that made me think a lot. I was much younger the first time I heard that quote said by Theodore Roosevelt in some speech. Not sure who is actually credited with it, but today it made more sense than ever. The reasons in which he said it, weren’t the same reasons why it hit me like a ton of bricks. He meant it in a way to not compare yourself to other parents, your children to other children, etc. because all children are different. I took it in a very different way. I was sugarcoating my shortcomings by comparing myself to other fathers who have dropped the ball much harder than I. 

I don’t believe in regretting any part of my life because that tells me I wasted a portion of my life. Instead, I try to learn from my shortcomings and admittedly I am sometimes sorry about them. 

I would like to tell myself that I spent enough time with my oldest fishing, reading, talking, playing, and overall present in his life. I would like to say that I balanced my career, leisure time, education and fatherhood perfectly while raising him. But the truth is that I could’ve absolutely spent much more time with him. I could have prioritized fatherhood over any of the other things going on in my life. 

I would like to say that I disciplined him enough for him to know that in life there’s cause and effect and that we pay consequences for our wrongdoings. But, I can’t help but to wonder if I did enough, or if I did too much. Sometimes I ponder if I pushed him away. Sometimes I think I prepared him for him to feel secure enough to be out on his own. The truth is that I don’t really know. 

I would like to say that I loved him with a perfect balance of emotion, soft hearted embrace, and tough love. But, I often wonder if I showed him love the right way. I showed him how to love yourself. I showed him how to love others. I showed him what love is. But did I do a good enough job in those areas?

As a father, my responsibility is to show him what a man should be, how he should carry himself, and what a man’s priorities are. Now, do I think I knew how to teach those in my 20’s or my early 30’s? I’m not sure I know how to teach those now in my mid to late 40’s. One thing I do know is that in questions, I grow. In my very own convictions of my own actions and inactions, I am committed to doing better.

I can’t go back and do a better job with my firstborn. I have been blessed enough to get the opportunity to do this fatherhood thing all over again with two more boys. I intentionally reflect on fatherhood so I can grow, question, learn, evolve, and hope to do a better job this time around.

I wholeheartedly feel like I did a great job with my firstborn, I have no regrets. Even though I am Enough, I can do more. It’s not about beating yourself up, it’s about growing. Like, all my writings, these messages are for my children to read, and reflect on their own journeys. I want them to know that because we do a good enough job or even a great job at times, we always have plenty of room to grow. 

To grow we must be humble, sometimes vulnerable, but always, extremely honest with oneself.

Happy Father’s Day to all

Stay in the fight y’all!