Prayer Journal

Prayer Day 1 June 6, 2023

As you know, I am not a religious man. Nevertheless, I practice that which serves me and helps me gain understanding and/or grow. I’ve read much on the effects, science, and almost supernatural powers that praying has. So the opportunity arise to be able to go pray and learn to pray.

At this part of my journey, I decide that I want to be intentional about learning how to pray. I’ve lived with the assumption that I’ve known how to pray because I’ve heard many people pray and I can and have mimic praying like that. 

I don’t know what I expected from my first day going to pray. I know one thing for sure, I didn’t expect to cry for nearly an hour. I began to pray: 

• for understanding if it was deemed necessary
• I prayed looking inwards
• I prayed for me to see with righteousness, rather than with restriction 
• I prayed for my oldest son’s healing, to ignite a yearning for more out of his life

Then I simply began to feel my self intentionally hugging my sweet boy and even as I write these words, I began to weep. I began to more meditate on my love for him, my middle child, and my baby boy, rather than pray. I think my love for them hurts. I continued to pray

• For understanding if I needed to
• For wisdom to understand the why, while realizing we shouldn’t judge what we don’t understand
• I asked what can I do better
• I asked to help me model the necessary path they should take in order to grow
• I asked for wisdom

Fear stopped me on my tracks a couple times. As I asked for wisdom, I feared more tribulations in order for me to gain wisdom. Same with asking for understanding. I didn’t focus only on the healing of the negative parts which I judged negative. I also meditated on the great love I have for them all. I pictured myself literally at the feet of my children, begging for their safety, understanding for myself. I wept for my lack of faith, my own shortcomings in doing my best raising them.

I fear that although I know I mostly cried for my love for them, that some tears were for my own failures. In my heart I feel my duty is to live for them in one way or another. I feel that what I feel I’ve done right may be my ego growing satisfied. My heart tells me I can do more, I can do better. 

• Is that to work on my own steps, my journey?
• Is it to teach them something?
• Is it for me to learn something new?
• Is it all simply my own insecurities bugging out?
• Where do I go from here?

As with many other parts in my journey, I have come up with many more questions rather than answers. But I’m ok with that. A journey of a thousand miles, begins with a single step (Lao Tzu). Right? I don’t know if this whole praying thing is going to work for me. I don’t know if I did it right. I don’t know if I meditated rather than prayed. I don’t know if they are one in the same or if they are neighbors. I do know that I feel I have made some progress within my own journey today. Let’s see where this takes me.