Don’t Take Anything Personal

Many years ago I was recommended a little book by an extraordinary man. At that time, some twenty years ago or so, I needed that book and advice it gave deeply. I would say that very simple and little book helped me change my way of thinking for the rest of my life.

The book was The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. All four agreements were equally important, yet I really needed one of them more than the rest. To not take things personal. At this time in my life and definitely before that particular moment, I took everything from everyone extremely personal. At this time in my life, I still thought the world revolved around me.

I still thought I was the main character in everyone’s movie and everyone else was just a supporting character, supporting me. What a rude awakening the day I realized this wasn’t so. It definitely took a long time for me to learn this.

Back to the book. I remember re-reading a section in the book where it says that, whatever people say and do is a reflection of themselves, their own dream, their life’s. It has nothing to do with me. I was mind blown. I kept reading that because nothing I’d read before ever made so much sense in my mind. It was so simply written that I could just not believe it was so true. This statement would still be a pillar in the foundation of the man I recreate some twenty years ago.

The clarity and understanding was immediate. Unfortunately, the change in mindset vs action wasn’t. I took that book and drove the whole thing deep into my heart. It was one of the most important books I ever read. I began to write an agreement at a time in pieces of paper and on my hands to remind myself of it for weeks at a time. I knew my weakness, everyday autopilot would kick on and I would forget. I won life by doing this practice for weeks at a time per agreement.

Be impecable with your word. I never understood the implications of my word until I read about this agreement. I spend more time quiet around people than ever before practicing this agreement. I learned a lot about myself. A lot about myself that I became ashamed of. But I pushed through and I think I did pretty great with this agreement.

Never assume. This one was very eye opening. Again, I never even realized how much we assume in our daily life until I read about it. Scary thing was that most of these agreements began to affect us at such an early age that it became who we were in a way. We never even questioned those things about us, much less how we handled them or what kind of relationship we had with them.

Always do your best. Although, this one taught me a lot, this was by far the easiest to accomplish. Working hard came easy to me. Working through the pain came easy to me. Doing my best in manual labor was a lot easier than working hard at changing myself from the inside out for sure.

But, being an angry fighter, a rebel, an outlaw, a ferocious young man not to take things personal? Nah, that’s going to require a massive amount of time, effort, reconditioning, and honestly, a complete overhaul of Rico, which was what I was known as all those years ago. In order to not take things personal, I just had to become a completely different person, literally.

And so the transformation began. I sat down on the floor and wrote down the characteristics of what I considered a great man was. Creating this list, I kept the four agreements top of mind. It wasn’t easy. Pretending to be this new person didn’t come natural. I felt like an imposter. The imposter syndrome was as real as it gets through those years. The two wolves inside didn’t sleep. They battled day and night. The bad wolf was strong, he’s the only one I had fed for years. Now, I standing behind the good wolves hoping he’ll save me. He won some battles but I would be lying if I didn’t admit back in those days he lost more fights than he won.

As the years went by, the good wolf won more battles. As the years went by, I smiled and turned away in situations I would’ve lost my mind and broke some knuckles. It wasn’t like a light switch, more like a really cloudy day that the sun would peek through every so often. Enough to create some momentum.

I cut ties with every single friend I had except for one. I had made his family my family so that’s the only relationship that didn’t get cut off. I spoke differently then. I became a completely different man. At one point I became aware that I was no longer pretending, this was the only version of a man that I knew of myself. The old me had died. The new me lived on.

Now, let me be straight. Becoming a new man didn’t mean I didn’t battle my demons any longer. I was still a very imperfect man. I was definitely a much better version, yet I was still a broken man who had two wolves battling inside. Only, now the battles weren’t as often, but they were still brutal at times.

Taking things personal changed my life. More powerful yet, not taking things personal changed the whole direction of my life. This little book likely saved my life. I can never repay that great man who I had not seen before that day since I was about eight years old and I haven’t seen him ever since. He was my holy ghost for that moment in time, he showed up at the right moment and he was gone as fast as he showed up. I love you and owe you so much. My three sons thank you.

Now I’m a perfect man, sinless, a saint that doesn’t take anything personal….

Okay, maybe not exactly. Okay, okay, not at all the truth. Truth is that I am a very imperfect man who is finally comfortable in his own skin. I am a sinner who believes in living in a neverending journey of becoming the best version of myself possible. I may still be a bit broken, but now I’m in love with progress rather than with the struggle.

I am now a man who holds myself painfully accountable for my own actions. If there’s a slight possibility that I could’ve done something better in any given situation no matter how well I handled it, I take full responsibility for it all. At times I even grab others responsibility and take it as my own for good measure.

I still take some things personal. My excuse is that I’m still human. Excuse, because I know I can do better. If I know better, I should do better.

Excuses and results cannot live in the same realm. We can only have one or the other. Even if you name your excuses, reasons.

I think I’m at the last level of taking things personal before I can graduate to other aspects of life that I need to work on. Last level. Strong statement huh? Pretty arrogant of me to think I’m that close. I think I’m at the last level only because it is now incredibly difficult to anger me. Why haven’t I graduated? Because I still let those closest to me get past my walls and I take it personal when I feel they take that privilege for granted. It could be that, or it could be more work that I still have to do to get there. I put my money on a little bit of both.

The lesson here is that you don’t have to settle for the bad habits, flawed character, less than great characteristics you possess. Can you change them immediately? Maybe.

One thing I know for sure is that you’re absolutely worth the time, the effort, and the unending commitment to get better and do better.

Love y’all

Live Responsibly